Lights
by lovexxliz
Summary: "I keep seeing her. I cannot keep her picture out of my mind. It's consuming me and I can't breath anymore." AU


**Hey :)**

 **So some of you might already know me from twitter, I'm also lovexxliz there, some of you might have no idea who I am. So let me quickly introduce myself: my name is Lea, I'm 18 and I'm from Germany. This is my first Castle fanfic and it has actually been in progress since February but I wasn't able to finish it back then, so when I found the document again I decided to give it another try.  
This story is inspired by my own "feelings" towards the sun and the moon and by a satellite photograph of the earth at night I purchased a while back. **

**Please note that I am aware that the timeline doesn't fit the timeline in the actual show but I needed it like this for this story to work :)**

 **Enough said for now I guess,**

 **Hope you enjoy this and I would really appreciate if you could tell me what you think about this :)**

 _Disclaimer: I don't own the show Castle or its characters._

* * *

The city was laid out in front of her.

And even though the sky was pitch black and the clock must've long ago struck midnight, there was still a sea of people somewhere underneath her in the endless streets of New York. New York - the city that never sleeps.

She was dressed completely black to not raise any attention and have some cops pull her down before she could complete what she was so desperately trying to walls of the dark grey abandoned building swallowed her appearance while was was standing on the balcony on one of the rooms that was once filled with lights. While she was standing on the balcony that no longer had a railing.

She had been in this building often, finding hidden entrances that allowed her to climb up to one of the higher floors, around the barrier installed by the city due to severe danger of the building collapsing. Exploring the house, finding the right spot, planning this moment in great detail had given her some kind of kick, knowing that is would be over soon gave her the possibility to somehow handle everything a little easier.

And finally, finally after one night where she hadn't been careful enough and had almost gotten caught, she was now standing here, nothing dramatic about her pose, arms down her side, feet already a little over the edge but never enough to loose her balance.  
Not yet. Not yet because knowing this would be over in a few minutes gave her a weird kind of peace. A peace that made her rest a little longer, breathing in the air of the city she grew up in, the city she had thought her dream of becoming a lawyer would be possible in.

The city she had lost everything in, her solid ground, her sleep, and eventually every spark of hope. The city where she had joined the NYPD, in the hope to be able to find the bastard that had started this and triggered her, leading to this moment. And the city in which she realised she wasn't strong enough anymore, not when the light left her at the end of every day. Not when the dark settled over her apartment and her soul every single night. Not when she had spent days, weeks, months crying in her apartment because night would come and with the night the dreams and the liquor and the blood.

So standing here, taking deep breaths, closing her eyes and just breathing was the first time since the night a police car parked in front of her house, that she actually felt at ease.

And then she heard footsteps.

At first she had thought it was her mind playing tricks on her because who the hell would be coming up here at this time of the night - up here at any time even. But when the footsteps started having a voice, she nearly toppled over, ending this like she had wanted to but her reflexes kicked in and she desperately tried to gain balance, finally managed to have solid ground under both of her feet again.

"What are you doing there?"

She turned around immediately, getting dangerously close to the edge again when she took a step backwards. A guy, probably about her age was standing in the shadows, something that looked like a writing pad in his hands. His hair was standing into all directions and together with the sweatpants and… slippers? Seriously? he looked a lot like he had just fallen out of bed. Maybe he was sleepwalking.

"What are you doing here?" she shot back somehow angry he had ruined her moment and barged in before she could finish this all. He looked a little taken aback at her response but quickly recovered, opting for a sheepish expression because he was pretty sure she had just wanted to jump down and end her life on the concrete asphalt and yes, he did have a vivid imagination and everything but he had no idea what to do in a situation like this.

"I asked you first" he gave back, grinning a little because maybe, maybe he could make her angry enough to step away from the ledge and towards him.

"And I don't wanna answer. So just tell me what you are doing here and maybe I will tell you too."

He raised his hands in mock surrender. "Okay, okay fine. I just couldn't sleep and I sometimes come here when I need inspiration to write so I figured maybe this" he roughly gestured around to the building that raked into the night sky "would calm my mind a little."

She narrowed her eyes on the paper tucked beneath his arm. "So are you a writer or something?" He gave a little laugh. "I wish, but so far no publishing house wanted to publish any of my manuscripts." She nodded a little.

"What's your name?" he blurted out, desperately trying to hold her attention but also curious about the story of this beautiful woman. "Why do you think that's any of your business?" she asked and something inside her felt oddly attracted to this man that had showed up in the middle of the night at the exact same place she had chosen.  
It wasn't that kind of attraction on a sexual level, though he did have good looks, but it was something different, an attraction that worked through words and through curiosity.

"I don't think it is, but considering the chance of us meeting here is about ten times smaller than getting hit by lightning I would say it's time we exchange names, isn't it?" She huffed but at least her eyes had gone back to normal size.

"It's Kate" she mumbled. He extended a hand and it took her a moment before she realised he wanted her to shake it. "Nice to meet you Kate. I'm Rick." She nodded again before falling into silence, just looking at him. He had nice eyes. She couldn't make out the colour, but they sparkled a little in the moonlight.  
Something hers had stopped doing a long time ago. It wasn't an uncomfortable silence but he eventually broke it.

"Why did you want to jump Kate?" Her eyes widened and she stared at him a little shocked by him being so direct. "I didn't wanna ju-" she tried to deny it by instinct but he waved her off. "I don't wanna know if you wanted to jump because I know you did, I just want to know why."

"Why?" she echoed, forming it into a question of her own. He shrugged a little, trying to not let her see how much it mattered to him. "Because the story always matters."

Wow. Okay that was not what she had thought he would answer and she unconsciously took a step closer to him, mesmerised by his words because they hit home. It was something she always used to say about homicide victims. The detectives were able to speak for the dead, to let their story matter and honour it one last time and that was partly why she had been so keen on becoming a detective the fastest way possible after her dream of becoming a lawyer had been killed the same night as her mother.

Because work had been the only thing that kept her going in the end but even that just wasn't enough anymore. She came back out of her moment of trance, remembering he had asked her a question and something about the absurdity of this situation and his eyes, that looked at her like he was genuinely interested in her story made her let down her guard and start talking.

"Because I cannot keep the sunlight."

He looked a little lost after that but quickly recovered when she continued, the words coming easier now and she couldn't bring herself to care about the cliche of this situation because she'd either be dead in a few hours or survive but never see this man again in her life anyways.  
Because they both knew they wouldn't become friends. This moment was what is was called - a moment.

"Because I cannot keep the day from turning into night. Because I cannot stop the thoughts that are consuming my mind and when it's dark there is nothing to keep them at bay." He swallowed hard, suddenly realising he had no idea what to say to that so he opted for curiosity.

"What thoughts?" But she didn't listen. "I keep seeing her. I cannot keep her picture out of my mind. It's consuming me and I can't breath anymore." "But you are, you're breathing. You are alive Kate and that makes you strong."

"Don't you understand?" her voice broke slightly. "I am not alive. That is not a life. I'm not feeling anymore and her pictures are haunting me and I cannot cry because I don't fucking feel anymore."

The knot that had formed in his chest upon seeing this woman, looking at him with blank eyes, was starting to move to his throat and he tried desperately to choke out his words. "Whose pictures Kate? Whose pictures?"

"My mums, I keep seeing her bleeding in that alley, I keep seeing the tape we crossed to get to her lifeless body. I keep hearing her voice and I am going insane."

She moved to the edge again and he suddenly knew with certainty that if he did not physically block her, she was going to jump.

So he grabbed her wrist, holding her tight and pulling her back onto safer terrain. "What the hell?" she screamed at him. "Leave me be, you have no right to-"

"Tell me about the lights" he urged her on, not even trying to keep the desperation out of his voice anymore. "Why do you wanna keep the sunlight?" "I told you, it keeps my mind -" "No I don't mean that. You live in New York City, the city that never gets dark. You can keep the lights in your apartment on, you can -" She huffed out a laugh.

"You don't get it, do you? It's not about the lights, it's about the sunlight. If the power went out right now, we would be left in the dark because the sun is gone and I need it." "This is not about the power going out. Why does electrical light not work?" "Because it's dead." she shot back.

"It is made by people, it can be ended by people again. I can turn off the light and it is dark just like someone out there ended my mum's life and left me in the dark. I need the sun because it is alive. And when the sunlight dies, everything seems dead and I cannot deal with that anymore. Everything fucking dies and I have no control over that." She hastily brushed a hand over her hair as if to collect herself.

"The sunlight doesn't die. The sunlight never dies." He gave back trying to get her to understand. "I know that, I'm not an idiot. But I can't see it anymore. The sun sets and I die inside. Every single day." He shook his head a little. "Listen to me" he waited until she looked up fully to meet his eyes "the sun never really sets. Because when you can't see it anymore, it means someone else does. Someone who might need it as desperately as you." She watched him carefully as if to figure out what he was trying to say.

"And it never leaves you completely." He pointed to the night sky and she instinctively followed his finger, eventually staring at the orange glowing moon. "The light you can see when you look at the moon is sunlight - it is illuminated by the sun." "I am not an idiot, I know that", she shot back.

"But do you really?"

"Do I really what?" she was getting irritated, she had finally managed to find the perfect time to be climbing up that rooftop only to be stopped by some pathetic wannabe author who thought he could explain the world to her. "Do you really realise that you're never left alone by the sun? It is always there, it is always present and it's always sending power. Even at night."

She looked up at the moon again, hoping he would follow her lead so he'd be distracted long enough for her to leave but when she stared at the orange circle in New York's night sky, she could hear his words again. Her whole body was still aching from the pain she thought she would finally be able to get rid of tonight but her mind was focused on the moon.

It was probably stupid of her to cling to the sun as if it was the only thing keeping her alive but it had been and it still was and there he was with his stupid words and his stupid statements and he was stupidly right because what she was looking at was sunlight, only on another surface, and she didn't know why she didn't think of this before like that. She kept staring a the sky, waiting for her anger to subside.

After a while she turned around to him again but he was sitting on the ground, head bend over his notebook, his hand in a seemingly never-ending rhythm, producing words on the paper like he had in her head. She followed his lead and sat down again, feet dangling over the edge of the building, just listening to the city's heartbeat.

It was quite some time later, when she got up, walked past him and made her way down the stairs again and he didn't follow her, didn't try to stop her, just listening to her fading footsteps.

* * *

It was about a week later, the sky was completely covered in clouds, making it impossible to see the moon, when he made his way up to the top of the building again. He didn't have his notebook with him, he had been able to sleep well and find inspiration ever since their encounter on this very roof.

He was simply coming to check if she was there. And if she was okay. But when he got to the top of the building it was empty. He stayed the whole night but she never showed. And when he went home again, he couldn't quite shake off the feeling that maybe she hadn't made it. That maybe his words had meant nothing to her or maybe they did but it hadn't been enough. And there was nothing he could do about it.

And so the days went by, he was finishing his book - it wasn't about what had happened between them in the least but this woman, this girl had somehow managed to give him inspiration, to keep the words flowing and he was certain that wherever she might be, she would also always be in his mind.

* * *

 **1 1/2 years later**

There was a knock on the door and Beckett rushed to open it, revealing her friend Lanie who brushed past her, already mid sentence before Kate could even begin to follow what she was talking about.

"I'm so glad you're feeling better, this time the flu season was even worse then before apparently, I really hope I won't catch it this time but giiiirl, you missed so much while you were here sick, New York City is going crazy, there is this new author and I have no idea how it happened because I have never heard of him before but the whole city is full with his books and pictures of his face and girl let me tell you, he is seriously hot. So as the good friend that I am I went inside a bookstore and got you a copy, he writes crime novels, you two would fit together perfectly and anyways here it is." She handed Kate a copy of book.

Kate instinctively reached for it, still a little dizzy from the storm of words that had just unloaded itself over her head and looked at the title, "In a Hail of Bullets" by Richard Castle, before opening the book carefully, finding her favorite part of every book - the dedication.

She breathed in, like always savouring this moment of seeing who the author was dedicating his work to before reading it carefully:

 _To Kate_

 _May there always be the sun's light in your eyes_

 _And its warmth in your heart_

* * *

 **I know that In a Hail of Bullets has a different dedication but I needed to change it for this story :)**

 **Thanks for reading,**

 **Lea**


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